One of the first movie experiences I remember as a young girl was Deliver Us From Eva. It’s a silly movie where a strong, uncompromising woman terrorizes the men married to Eva’s sisters. (Seriously, if you haven’t seen it - it’s good!)
In this movie, Eva would test food in restaurants and, often, she would give poor quality food low scores. The restaurant owners would ask her to give them time to fix the problem, without recording it... be more “compromising” they asked.
And she would look them in the eye with fierce confidence and say, ”I wear it with a badge of honor and I’m in damn good company. Martin Luther King was uncompromising…”
As a person who’s always struggled with opening my mouth when I’m offended, I could only wish for that level of confidence when I felt offended or ashamed.
In reality, I was the exact opposite.
You see, I had this boyfriend (don’t we all) that made me feel like I lived to serve him… and compromising ME did exactly that.
Take off of work so you can babysit the kids, Hunny. OK, I’d respond.
Why are you only wearing sweatpants? You used to dress nice. OK, I’d respond.
Why do I always have to come home to a dirty home? (Well, there are three kids in here I’d say in my head) Out of my mouth came “OK, I’ll do what I can.”
This lead to a life of little ol’ me, waking up at 4 AM in the morning to clean the house before my boyfriend woke up, showering, making breakfast and putting on nice clothes so he would be…
Happy.
But I’m going to be honest here. Becoming that yes woman broke my soul. I wished I could have been a little more uncompromising but I didn’t know how.
I didn’t know how to be uncompromising and loved at the same time.
I couldn’t stand up for myself, my wants and my needs without feeling guilty.
Because of that, I constantly wondered… “how is this my life?”
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Why standing up for yourself is important?
Standing up for yourself is what allows you to do the things that bring you joy and use your time creating the life you want.
When you don’t stand up for yourself, you allow your time and actions to be dictated by someone else. You give away that opportunity to live in alignment with your values.
Each time I gave in to a task, chore or activity that didn’t align with my values, I felt a little less like “me.” My nature is to achieve - I love to dive into a project and build things. In this relationship, I became a servant, following through on someone else’s needs.
I dimmed my light. I disappointed myself with every “OK, Hunny” I uttered.
What makes standing up for yourself so darn hard?
Let’s be honest, if it were easy to stand up for yourself, we’d all be doing it (and I wouldn’t have anything to write about).
Standing up for yourself requires you ruffle some feathers and you have no idea how someone will react to you choosing yourself over their desires.
They might think you’re selfish. They might get angry. They might tell you you’re crazy.
And in your heart, you want to be helpful - especially if you love them.
What are the real benefits of standing up for yourself?
Let’s get one thing straight. When you stand up for yourself, you immediately reduce stress because you’ve made a decision that aligns with your values. You followed your gut and that makes you feel good!
You boost your confidence in your ability to choose what’s right for you.
Finally, you’ll have more time and energy to dedicate to your own projects and the things that bring you joy because by being uncompromising you only add complexity to your life where you want to.
I didn’t get to experience any of those benefits in that relationship because I was not yet sure how.
How To Stand Up For Yourself, Without Feeling Guilty
Understand that you, too, have needs.
Imagine someone asks you to babysit, but you really don’t want to. However, you babysit anyway because you want to help the people that you love to reach their goals.
Babysitting for a day means that you don’t get to spend your day working towards your own goals.
You’ve essentially traded your dream for someone else’s. Be kind to yourself and treat YOUR dreams as seriously as you do theirs.
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Ask for what you want in a way that feels good for you.
I’ve always had a problem saying no. However, it does feel good to me to offer something that does work for my time and my schedule.
Let’s take the same example from earlier - babysitting so that someone can go to work. I have a rigorous routine that I only shift for big life events - birthdays anniversaries and such. I cannot babysit during the week because of my routine, but Saturdays are open for “family fun” days.
If you want, I can bring your child along with our “family fun” days. That’s my time to dedicate to spend with loved ones.
By offering something that feels good for you, you can honor your needs and still help out in a way that feels right.
Change the ask.
Sometimes there is a viable alternative to the ask that you can offer.
For example, my mom asked me to pick up my little sister and shuttle her 1 hour away from my house. It would’ve been a 2-hour time commitment for me. I didn’t want to do that, but also wanted to help.
“Can I send an Uber for her?” I offered.
By offering an alternative that I felt good about my mom gets what she wants (a ride for my little sister) while I get to keep my time.
Set boundaries with loved ones.
This can be tough, but so necessary. If you have a loved one who you always say yes to, it might be a bit of a transition when you start to set boundaries.
Decide ahead of time what you are and aren’t willing to do. Then speak your boundaries clearly. You don’t have to be mean or angry when you set your boundaries, just be matter of fact and to the point.
Stick to your boundaries.
This is super important. Once you’ve set a boundary, you HAVE to stick to it. If you are wishy-washy, then the other person will know that they can talk you into whatever they want. And they won’t take you seriously when you set a real boundary.
Follow your gut
Very often you already know what you want to do and you actively choose to do something different. The more that you listen to your intuition, the better you’ll be at trusting yourself.
Don’t talk yourself into doing or accepting things that you know you’ll end up regretting.
Practice makes perfect.
The more you can stand up for yourself the better you’ll get at it. Start somewhere and keep trying.
Even if you start somewhere small, like speaking up when your food isn’t what you ordered at a restaurant or telling a friend that you can’t make an event because you have other priorities that you need to focus on.
Build on the small things and soon enough you’ll be standing strong in the big things.
Action Items For Reader
Write down the last three experiences you wished you were more uncompromising.
Re-write the ending to that story in a way that feels good. (Hint: Stand up for yourself!)
Practice taking those actions in real life.
The moment you decide to stop compromising on your needs, you immediately start to build confidence in your ability to serve yourself. You give yourself the opportunity to trust that you’ll make the right decisions in each moment. You also strengthen your ability to choose yourself.
What is one thing that you will stop compromising on?
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I'm passionate about vision boards and hosting vision board parties. Thrive Lounge is the ultimate resource for hosting high impact vision board parties and creating vision boards that work.
