Mindset

How To Rebuild Your Confidence After A Break Up

 
Breakup
 

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I gave him everything. 

I spent a year of my life becoming the person that he wanted me to be. I held the house-cleaner, care-giver of 3 kids, clothes-washer and primary servant roles in our little household. 

I wanted to be loved so I gave up every ounce of my personality in the hope that love would come. 

I let go of my desire to have a successful career, to help women, and express myself freely in an effort to serve his needs. My essence was him - his needs, his restaurants, his friends.  I even gave up the convertible I loved for the mom truck he wanted me to drive. (Yes, pathetic, I know.)

When we didn’t work out, I lost my sense of purpose. I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t make my own decisions. I couldn’t trust myself with my future.

It was time to rebuild all the self-confidence that I had lost throughout that relationship.

What is Confidence? 

Confidence is believing in yourself and your ability to succeed. Having trust that you can figure things out and that you certainly can achieve your desires.

Why is self confidence important? 

Self confidence is what helps you make decisions, take risks, and deal with pressure in a healthy way. Having self confidence means you genuinely believe that you are smart enough, worthy enough of the highest levels of achievement and capable of making the right choices in your life.  

You need self-confidence to reach your full potential.


What happens when self confidence is low? 

Have you ever wanted to ask for a raise and talked yourself out of it? Feared speaking up when you knew you were right? Those are a few examples of what happens when you don’t have self confidence. 

Without self confidence, you’re unable to instill confidence in others because you speak with uncertainty. You don’t take risks because you truly believe you aren’t good enough. You might shy away from opportunities because you don’t believe your’re worthy. 

Without self confidence, you easily create a barrier between yourself and your highest potential. 

What does self confidence look like?

Can you answer an undeniable “yes!” to the following questions: 

  1. Do you feel like your opinions are valid and accepted? 

  2. Are you comfortable asking for things you want? 

  3. Are you comfortable asking for help? 

  4. Do you speak up when you have something to say?

  5. Do you say no when you don’t want to do something?


Can’t I Just Fake Self Confidence? 

You can fake self confidence on the outside by sitting up straight, wearing clothes that reflect confidence or using clear and concise language.

However, true self confidence starts within your mind. Your thoughts are what ultimately lead to the decisions you make to advocate for yourself, speak up in uncomfortable situations and feel great about the decisions you make. 

You cannot fake your thoughts. 


How To Regain Your Self Confidence

The good news is that self confidence is something you can re-build, no matter how little you have. (Trust me on this one.)

Here’s how I did it for myself and how you can, too. 

See the “good” in you 

The first thing you must do once you realize you’ve lost your self-confidence is understand the immense value you bring to this world.  There is only one YOU in this world, and no one else can fulfill your purpose the way that you can.

You were not created to serve your ex. You can start over. You were created for a larger purpose - even if you can’t see that right now. Let this break up be your clean slate to rebuild yourself exactly the way you want. 

Make a list of 10 ways you are strong, kind, compassionate, courageous. These could be large or small, recent or super old. You’ve made a contribution to the world somewhere in your life. Find that memory and use it to remind yourself just how amazing you can be. 

Understand your strengths 

There are things that you do better than anyone else you know. Maybe you’re an amazing cook, a brilliant writer or a great listener that people love talking to.

Identifying your strengths points you in the direction of the things you do well. These are the areas you need to focus on in your efforts to regain your confidence. 

When you gave up your confidence, you got too comfortable with losing. You lost every battle over where you were going for dinner and how you’d spend your time. You lost every argument, no matter how valid your point was. You lost every effort to be your true self.

 Now is your time to “stack the deck” in your favor by living in your strengths zone as much as possible. The more time you can spend catering to your strengths, the more you get to experience winning. 

Accept Your Flaws

Let’s be honest, we all really do have flaws. You’ve likely used them as the reason why you can’t be successful. 

“I’m an introvert so I don’t make connections easily.”
“I don’t have the right educational background.”
“I’m not ______ enough.” (Fill in the blank with skinny/beautiful/young/old/other)

We all have some flaw that we can point to in an effort to make excuses for our inability to reach our goals. The only flaw you really have is lack of self confidence that despite that freakin’ flaw you can still reach your dreams. 

Write down your flaw and give yourself one reason that flaw is a non-factor in your success. For example “I’m an introvert so the connections I make are deep, trusting and reciprocal.”


Negative thoughts will happen, deal with them in a healthy way

“No one will ever love me for… me. I’m too broken.” 

This was my favorite line.  It’s hard to prevent negative thoughts from coming in but we all have a choice on how we handle them. We can either dwell on them or replace them with something positive. For my situation, it could be “I’m lovable just the way that I am and I won’t settle for anything less.”

Make a short list of affirmations. Write them on the bathroom mirror, keep a list in your phone, write them in a journal. Where ever a good place is for you to read them to yourself when those negative thoughts start to creep in.

Related Content: 10 Quotes Guaranteed to Inspire a Kick-Ass Day

Work hard 

One of the best ways to have confidence is to deserve it. The way you deserve your confidence is to earn it. You can earn confidence by working harder than anyone else you know. 

Do you remember a time where you’d studied or practiced something a million times and you walked into “the big game.” It could be a talk that you worked on for weeks, a test you were studying for or that presentation you researched for weeks to give to the big wigs.

After weeks of practice and repetition you knew in the bottom of your heart, without a doubt that you’d be successful. 

You can have confidence in your life the exact same way - through hard work. 

Live in accordance with your values 

You have to define what your values are in order to live by them. 

If you’ve spent some time living someone else’s values, this one might be tough because you’ll have to rediscover yourself. 

  1. Who are you working for everyday to support. 

  2. What motivates you to wake up every day? (Besides coffee.)

  3. Why are you going to your job?

  4. What activities and hobbies can you simply not live without?

 These questions will highlight your values. 


Trust your gut

You will know when you have confidence in yourself when you start to listen to that tiny voice inside you. 

Over the course of your relationship, you got used to silencing that voice. When that voice told you to leave, you stayed. When that voice told you to speak up, you refused. 

That voice, followed by the nagging feeling in the bottom of your stomach was your gut and your strongest source of intuition. To regain your confidence you have to trust that voice, follow it and act on it. 

Because you were right all along. You will be right in the future. You simply need the confidence to believe that feeling. 

Take Action

There’s no better time than today to get started rebuilding your confidence. 

  1. Write down three values that you live by. 

  2. Write down five things you are the best at.

  3. Write down one personal weakness and one reason why that weakness won’t impact your life. 


Having confidence starts with your mind. As soon as you understand your values and your needs, you can start to make decisions that align with that vision of who you are. Every decision you make in alignment with your values builds your confidence even more. 

Comment below and tell us what you are going to do next to boost your confidence.


Ready To Accomplish Your Greatest Goals? 

  1. Cut soul-sucking activities from your life to create a purposeful future you LOVE in 10 days with the FREE Prioritize Me, Guilt Free journal prompts.  

  2. Take a FREE personal development class on CreativeLive

  3. Get clarity on your goals and the strategies to reach them with the ebook Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams.

Ready To Create Your Five Year Vision?

Fiveyearvision

Download this FREE Five-Year Vision Workbook to design your future with happiness, purpose and intention.

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This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.


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About Chantl

Chantl founded Thrive Lounge to give women the kick in the pants they need (lovingly, of course) to uncomplicate their goals, stop making excuses, get productive and start living the life they always wanted. Her book, Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams, gives women a step-by-step guide to create, plan and achieve their grandest goals.


Is This Really It? 11 Ways To Be Happy (even if you're broke, single and depressed)

 
Happy
 

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Is this really it? 

This is what you ask yourself when you’ve lost all hope. 

At least that’s what I would ask myself when I hit a low point in my life where I could no longer believe in happiness. 

I worked three jobs as a full time receptionist, part-time waitress and in-between time babysitter to throw together every dollar I could. Depression took over my every thought and my general cynicism about the world led me to think about suicide almost daily. 

I couldn’t afford anything beyond my bills. For food, I’d pray the executives at my job had leftover sandwiches that I could take home. 

I wanted out. I wanted some glimpse that I could turn my life around. I wanted a success story where I could “pull myself up by my bootstraps” like many others who triumphed after failures. 

But every attempt at elevation ended in more…. failure. 

Until I broke. 

If that story sounds familiar, then you know what it feels like to hit your breaking point, to cry daily with no one to talk to, and to fail so often that you accept failure as your destiny.

Related Content: 5 Things to do Instead of Committing Suicide

Related Content: What to do When You Can’t Hide Your Struggle Anymore

These are the 11 things I did that helped me find happiness during the most difficult time of my life. 

 

Make a list of the things that make you smile .

When you’re struggling with depression, it’s difficult to accept a moment of happiness without thinking it’ll be short lived. However, those moments are exactly what you need to keep going. 

Think about the last seven days and make a list of ten moments that brought you joy. When life gets rough, you can turn to this list and remind yourself which elements of your life bring you happiness.


Spend time with the people who bring you joy.

Are there people who made it onto your top ten list? If not, that’s ok, make a list of three people who you LOVE spending time with. 

During my depression, I scheduled a weekly movie night with my grandmother where we’d watch all of our favorite weekly shows and spend the evening guessing what would happen next in the protagonists lives. Spending time with loved ones easily takes your mind off of your misery (and there’s also the added bonus of not feeling alone).


Make a promise. 

Many people have difficulty keeping promises to themselves when they are in a state of depression, but at the same time they refuse to let down their friends and family. If you’re anything like this, then making a promise to a loved one can help you to reach your goals. 

My little sister came to live with me. She was sixteen, bright-eyed and had that teenage life-is-simple mindset that, for me, had become a vague memory. She needed ALL THE THINGS. 

Serving her needs became my outlet. Between viola lessons, SAT prep coaching and college open houses, I could help someone. I could still do good in this world. 


Create “easy win” situations for yourself. 

No one wants to feel like a loser. Yup, it’s that simple. When every day becomes hard. When you can’t get out of bed without thinking about all the bills coming your way or why you’re so alone you have to give yourself something else to think about. 

That’s where small goals come in. Set a goal to reach something easily attainable. Finish a book. Volunteer at a nonprofit focused on a cause you believe in. Spend some time with your family… away from your phone (gasp!). 

Accomplishing the small things re-energizes you to try your hand again at the big things. 

Related Content: 5 Ways Ordinary People Can Start Achieving Extraordinary Results

Create a vision board.

A vision board can help you identify your passions, values and goals. Through this medium, you can easily create a lifestyle where you spend your time, energy and resources in a way that’s aligned with the person who you want to become. 

During my depression, I’d become a person that believed I couldn’t succeed. No matter what I did, I expected to fail. Then, I created a vision board to simply finish something. Yes, I wanted to be a person who finished the things I started. I knew that with that tiny step, I could believe in myself again. 

Related Content: What Materials Do You Need to Create A Vision Board

Related Content: Everything You Need to Know About Creating A Vision Board

Related Content: What Changes When You Create A Vision Board

Do what you freakin’ want. 

Do you live your truth? Many people live behind a smile or a version of themselves that they believe others want them to be. You may find yourself agreeing to things that you have no interest in doing. Or putting on a fake work personality that’s not aligned to who you really are. 

When you become someone that others want you to be, you cannot be yourself. Happiness comes when you can show up as yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. 


Find your biggest pain point.

OK, let’s be honest. If you’re looking for a way to be happy, by default, you’re unhappy. Take an honest look at your life and try to pinpoint why. 

I didn’t have enough money to cover my bills even though I worked around the clock to make more money with every free moment that I could find. Once I could be honest about my pain, I could start to work on solving it. 


Find a way to solve it. 

Solving your pain point might be easier said than done, but you could start to map out a way to get from where you are to where you want to be. 

If you’re lonely, maybe you can brainstorm ways to enjoy your time spent alone. If you’re broke, then maybe you can spend some time figuring out how to advance your career or looking for higher paying jobs.


Respect, don’t accept.

You will find that many people have an opinion on your life. Those opinions can easily seep into your thoughts and make you second-guess the way you feel about yourself. 

Growing up, my family bought the most lavish cars, clothes, and hosted huge parties for family and friends. They had jewelry and all the latest gadgets. Having things was hugely valued and showed a sign of success. 

I believed those things brought happiness. 

However, when I realized that I didn't have enough money to live a lifestyle I enjoyed, I had to step back. I got rid of many of the material items that I had

My family makes fun of my all the time. I have to respect their values, but I don’t have to accept them as my own. 

Related Content: Struggling to Get Out of Debt? Try Minimalism.


Live in the present.

This one is simple - enjoy this moment that you’re in. 

Have you ever spent time with friends, but the entire time you were stuck in your mind? Instead of enjoying their stories and company. You were worried about the bill waiting for you at home, or hoping your ex would call you back, or wondering how they don’t notice you’re depressed. 

Living in the present means you take the time to pay attention to the people around you. Notice that they’ve gotten a haircut. Hear their stories and ask questions. Enjoy the wine you’re drinking. 

Those bills you’re worrying about, they’ll still be there when you get home. :) Making an effort to live in the present gives you a gift of simplicity. 

Get some freakin’ sleep.

A good night’s sleep can help with your emotions, focus and energy. When you’re more focused, you get more done. When you get more done, you build confidence in your abilities. When you can feel confident in yourself, it’s easier to be happy with the person you are each day. 

Sleep has many benefits, but when we’re struggling we often have a hard time getting to sleep. Prioritizing sleep can add immediate benefits to your life without having to make any extra money or make any huge life shifts. 

It’s something small that you can do today to prioritize yourself and start creating your own bit of happiness. 


Time To Take Action

If you’re currently wondering how can I get more out of life and find happiness, here’s what you need to do as soon as possible: 

  1. Write down ten people, places, things and activities that bring you joy. 

  2. Spend 20 minutes today doing one of those things. 

  3. Get a good night’s rest. 

There is more to life. You have to demand it. You have to start somewhere, even if the start is small, very small, it’s important to just start. You can grow into anything you want. Believe it. Take that step.

In the comments, tell us what is the number one thing holding you back from getting more out of life. 


Ready To Accomplish Your Greatest Goals? 

  1. Cut soul-sucking activities from your life to create a purposeful future you LOVE in 10 days with the FREE Prioritize Me, Guilt Free journal prompts.  

  2. Take a FREE personal development class on CreativeLive

  3. Get clarity on your goals and the strategies to reach them with the ebook Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams.

Ready To Create Your Five Year Vision?

Fiveyearvision

Download this FREE Five-Year Vision Workbook to design your future with happiness, purpose and intention.

Enter your email to subscribe to the newsletter + grab the freebie!

We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time. Powered by ConvertKit

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.


Chantl.jpg

About Chantl

Chantl founded Thrive Lounge to give women the kick in the pants they need (lovingly, of course) to uncomplicate their goals, stop making excuses, get productive and start living the life they always wanted. Her book, Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams, gives women a step-by-step guide to create, plan and achieve their grandest goals.




Seven Techniques To Visualize Your Goals and Dreams in Under 5 Minutes

 
visualize.png
 

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“Can you do a Tour Jete?” The ballet instructor asked me during rehearsal. 

I recently auditioned for a musical since I had decided to pursue my life-long dream of singing on stage. 

I would FINALLY sing in front of a crowd, but the character I played was also a ballet dancer.

“Tour-che-tay?” I asked. 

The assistant made a motion with her hands that showed what my feet should do in the air.

“Oh! The scissors jump!” I responded as my mind immediately flashed back to an episode of Dance Moms (yes, the lifetime show + my guilty pleasure).


With no previous ballet experience, I didn’t exactly jump with excitement at the idea of me, imitating a real dancer. 

Every time I practiced this leap at home, I immediately ran out of breath and the notes I sung after sounded like an exasperated effort to suck in air. 

I knew my cue: After an epic audience participation Q&A session that always resulted in a standing ovation, I would be up next. During the entire act, I’d sit in the back. Hands trembling. My heart beat faster as the audience answered the last question. 

I’d sit down, close my eyes, take a deep breath and see myself as my favorite ballet dancer - Maddie Zeigler. 

I imagined myself with her grace and her bright smile that captivated the audience making each move look effortless and graceful. 

“I am a ballerina,” I told myself. 

And it was as if that little exercise negated the fact that I’m a data science nerd who plugs away at my computer for 8 hours on weekdays. I only had a few weeks of ballet training...from YouTube. 

For the next 3 minutes, I transformed myself into a singing Maddie Zeigler.

That exercise is called visualization. 

What is Visualization?

Visualization is transforming information into images. In goal setting, you visualize the outcome of your goals. You create a mental image of what it would look and feel like to have achieved your goals. You can also visualize the entire process of working towards your goal.


When Should You Use Visualization?

You can use visualization to enhance your goals as soon as you have a clear goal that you care deeply about and are motivated to reach. (Just saying you want a million dollars doesn’t really get you a million dollars.)

Why Should You Use Visualization?

Visualization is a goal enhancer. If you can feel yourself reaching success before it ever becomes real, you can solidify it in your mind. It will keep you motivated to keep pursuing your goals as you imagine what your achieved goal would look it. How it would impact your life. What it would feel like.

How To Use Visualization To Reach Your Goals

Music Visualization

In music visualization, you choose a song that tells a story of the way you want to feel in your life. This technique is perfect for people who are emotionally moved by hearing music. 

I am a sucker for a good song. (Seriously, I will drop everything I’m doing to sing along with amazing vocals.) 

How to do it: 

  1. Choose a song that fits the way you want to feel. (Side note: I recommend choosing a new song each year.)

  2. Listen to the song once per day. 

  3. As you listen to your song, imagine yourself taking small steps towards accomplishing your goal.

Pro: Music can bring you a feeling throughout your body, energize and motivate you. 

Con: A song will rarely spell out your goal exactly as you imagine yourself living it. Thus, this technique better used for a feeling you want to achieve rather than a physical goal.

Estimated time: 3 minutes 


Meditate with Your Vision Board

I’m a huge vision board fan and seriously refuse to start any year without a vision board so this is my favorite vision board exercise. 

Side note: If you don’t know how to build a vision board, I’ve written in detail about that here

How to do it: 

  1. Take a slow and quiet look at your vision board. 

  2. Think about why you chose each image and quote. What feeling, item, actions did you want in your life when you created the board?

  3. Answer the question: What’s one thing I can do today to get closer to these images. 

Pro: Your vision board will speak directly to your specific goals, your life, and is tailored to your design preferences. 

Con: You can only look at your vision board after you’ve created it, which takes more time. (However, the time invested in the beginning is worth it!)

Estimated time: 3-5 minutes 


Journaling

Writing your thoughts in a journal helps to get your ideas out of your head and onto a piece of paper. You can use journaling to write about anything you want: gratitude, goals, things that happened during your day, or random things that pop into your head. 

How to do it: 

  1. Sit down in a quiet, comfortable chair with tea. (Yes, this is serious. You’ll be surprised at the zen-like state you fall into once you rest your soul.)

  2. Write your goals down in your journal and expand on your goals as much as you’d like. 

  3. Visualize your end goal and the journey to get there by answering the following questions: What actions are you taking towards your goals? What is the next step? Is there anyone you should reach out to for help? What does your life look like once you’ve accomplished your goal?

Pro: Journaling is a personal experience. You can be honest with how you feel about your goals and your journey without fear of outside judgement.

Con: It’s easy to lose track of time while journaling. You can journal for five minutes or twenty, depending on what’s on your mind that day. (Pro tip: Set an alarm for five minutes to keep you on track!)

Estimated time: 5+ minutes 

Dream Jar

A dream jar is exactly like it sounds. Putting your wildest dreams in a jar. 

How to do it: 

  1. Write down things you want to accomplish on small slips of paper. 

  2. Place the slips of paper into a mason jar.

  3. Pick out one goal and imagine yourself working towards that goal each day (week, month or quarter is OK, too).

Pro: If you’re multi-passionate, the dream jar can accommodate ALL of your grand goals.

Con: You can place an infinite number of goals into this, which can lead to visualizing several goals at once. I am a huge advocate for setting one large goal and putting all of your energy in one direction. 

Estimated time: 1-3 minutes 

Repeat Your Affirmation

In order to convince others, you must first convince yourself. Affirmations are statements that help you reinforce your end goal in your mind. 

In my story, I would repeat “I am a ballerina.” This is a very simple affirmation. Even though I’m not professionally trained (unless you count YouTube), I am a woman, in ballet shoes, dancing, in front of a crowd. 

I. AM. A. BALLERINA.

How to do it: 

  1. First create your affirmation or choose the affirmation you’ll use. 

  2. When times get rough, repeat your affirmation out loud.

  3. Place your affirmation on sticky notes in places where you’ll see them every day.

Pro: You don’t need any materials for this quick activity. 

Con: I haven’t found any!

Estimated time: <1 minutes 

Related Content: 10 Quotes to Inspire a Kick Ass Day

Take Action

Because having the techniques isn’t the same thing as using them :) 

  1. Choose one technique from the list above. Although many of the ideas may sound interesting, I want to caution you against trying several things at once. That will only delay your ability to complete any one technique. Imagine wondering every day “should I meditate or listen to my song or journal?” It’ll lead to more mental exhaustion and increase the likelihood that you give up on visualizing  before you see any benefits. 

  2. Follow the steps to give it a try. Here is where most people get tripped up. They read about all of the tips, but that’s where the exploration ends. (But you’re a true goal-getter :) so I know you’ll give it a real shot. 

  3. Live as if you’re the best at your goal. Visualizing myself as a ballerina would not on its own enable me to do a tour jete. I had to take beginner ballet classes. I spent hours moving across the floor, learning to turn, point my toes, jump and trust myself to land beautifully. Maddie Zeigler practiced for hours a day. That’s what allows her to achieve those turns. If I want to move like Maddie, I must act like Maddie. (And you’ll have to do the same with your goals.)


I used visualization to become a ballerina for 5 shows, 5 Tour Jetes, 3 standing ovations. 4 people even asked me “Are you a real ballerina?” My heart melted hearing that question.

Visualization is one of many tools in your manifestation toolbox. You have to do the work to reach your goals, but this technique calms your soul when you feel unsure or gives you a confidence boost right before you bare your soul in front of an audience :) 

You are the architect of your dreams and the more clarity you have around what success looks like, the greater ability you have to achieve it. 

Did any of these sound interesting to you? Let me know in the comments which method you’re going to try. 


Ready To Accomplish Your Greatest Goals? 

  1. Start planning out your largest goals with the FREE Goal Planning Worksheet.

  2. Take a FREE personal development class on CreativeLive

  3. Do you struggle with finishing the goals you start? Get clarity on your goals and the strategies to reach them with the ebook Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams.

Ready To Create Your Five Year Vision?

Fiveyearvision

Download this FREE Five-Year Vision Workbook to design your future with happiness, purpose and intention.

Enter your email to subscribe to the newsletter + grab the freebie!

We won't send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time. Powered by ConvertKit

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.


Chantl.jpg

About Chantl

Chantl founded Thrive Lounge to give women the kick in the pants they need (lovingly, of course) to uncomplicate their goals, stop making excuses, get productive and start living the life they always wanted. Her book, Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams, gives women a step-by-step guide to create, plan and achieve their grandest goals.