Confidence

Seven Guilt Free Ways To Stand Up For Yourself With Confidence

 
not compromising
 

One of the first movie experiences I remember as a young girl was Deliver Us From Eva. It’s a silly movie where a strong, uncompromising woman terrorizes the men married to Eva’s sisters. (Seriously, if you haven’t seen it - it’s good!) 

In this movie, Eva would test food in restaurants and, often, she would give poor quality food low scores. The restaurant owners would ask her to give them time to fix the problem, without recording it... be more “compromising” they asked. 

And she would look them in the eye with fierce confidence and say, ”I wear it with a badge of honor and I’m in damn good company. Martin Luther King was uncompromising…”

As a person who’s always struggled with opening my mouth when I’m offended, I could only wish for that level of confidence when I felt offended or ashamed. 

In reality, I was the exact opposite. 

You see, I had this boyfriend (don’t we all) that made me feel like I lived to serve him… and compromising ME did exactly that. 

Take off of work so you can babysit the kids, Hunny. OK, I’d respond. 

Why are you only wearing sweatpants? You used to dress nice. OK, I’d respond. 

Why do I always have to come home to a dirty home? (Well, there are three kids in here I’d say in my head) Out of my mouth came “OK, I’ll do what I can.” 

This lead to a life of little ol’ me, waking up at 4 AM in the morning to clean the house before my boyfriend woke up, showering, making breakfast and putting on nice clothes so he would be…

Happy. 

But I’m going to be honest here. Becoming that yes woman broke my soul. I wished I could have been a little more uncompromising but I didn’t know how. 

I didn’t know how to be uncompromising and loved at the same time. 

I couldn’t stand up for myself, my wants and my needs without feeling guilty. 

Because of that, I constantly wondered… “how is this my life?”

Related Content: Why Every Struggle You Overcome Is A Gift

Why standing up for yourself is important? 

Standing up for yourself is what allows you to do the things that bring you joy and use your time creating the life you want.

When you don’t stand up for yourself, you allow your time and actions to be dictated by someone else. You give away that opportunity to live in alignment with your values.

Each time I gave in to a task, chore or activity that didn’t align with my values, I felt a little less like “me.” My nature is to achieve - I love to dive into a project and build things. In this relationship, I became a servant, following through on someone else’s needs. 

I dimmed my light. I disappointed myself with every “OK, Hunny” I uttered.

What makes standing up for yourself so darn hard? 

Let’s be honest, if it were easy to stand up for yourself, we’d all be doing it (and I wouldn’t have anything to write about). 

Standing up for yourself requires you ruffle some feathers and you have no idea how someone will react to you choosing yourself over their desires. 

They might think you’re selfish. They might get angry. They might tell you you’re crazy. 

And in your heart, you want to be helpful - especially if you love them. 

What are the real benefits of standing up for yourself? 

Let’s get one thing straight. When you stand up for yourself, you immediately reduce stress because you’ve made a decision that aligns with your values. You followed your gut and that makes you feel good! 

You boost your confidence in your ability to choose what’s right for you.

Finally, you’ll have more time and energy to dedicate to your own projects and the things that bring you joy because by being uncompromising you only add complexity to your life where you want to.

I didn’t get to experience any of those benefits in that relationship because I was not yet sure how. 

How To Stand Up For Yourself, Without Feeling Guilty 

Understand that you, too, have needs. 

Imagine someone asks you to babysit, but you really don’t want to. However, you babysit anyway because you want to help the people that you love to reach their goals. 

Babysitting for a day means that you don’t get to spend your day working towards your own goals. 

You’ve essentially traded your dream for someone else’s. Be kind to yourself and treat YOUR dreams as seriously as you do theirs.

Related Content: How to Rebuild Confidence After A Break Up

Ask for what you want in a way that feels good for you.

I’ve always had a problem saying no. However, it does feel good to me to offer something that does work for my time and my schedule. 

Let’s take the same example from earlier - babysitting so that someone can go to work. I have a rigorous routine that I only shift for big life events - birthdays anniversaries and such. I cannot babysit during the week because of my routine, but Saturdays are open for “family fun” days. 

If you want, I can bring your child along with our “family fun” days. That’s my time to dedicate to spend with loved ones. 

By offering something that feels good for you, you can honor your needs and still help out in a way that feels right.

Change the ask.

Sometimes there is a viable alternative to the ask that you can offer.

For example, my mom asked me to pick up my little sister and shuttle her 1 hour away from my house. It would’ve been a 2-hour time commitment for me. I didn’t want to do that, but also wanted to help. 

“Can I send an Uber for her?” I offered. 

By offering an alternative that I felt good about my mom gets what she wants (a ride for my little sister) while I get to keep my time. 

Set boundaries with loved ones. 

This can be tough, but so necessary. If you have a loved one who you always say yes to, it might be a bit of a transition when you start to set boundaries.

Decide ahead of time what you are and aren’t willing to do. Then speak your boundaries clearly. You don’t have to be mean or angry when you set your boundaries, just be matter of fact and to the point.

Stick to your boundaries. 

This is super important. Once you’ve set a boundary, you HAVE to stick to it. If you are wishy-washy, then the other person will know that they can talk you into whatever they want. And they won’t take you seriously when you set a real boundary.

Follow your gut

Very often you already know what you want to do and you actively choose to do something different. The more that you listen to your intuition, the better you’ll be at trusting yourself.

Don’t talk yourself into doing or accepting things that you know you’ll end up regretting.

Practice makes perfect.

The more you can stand up for yourself the better you’ll get at it. Start somewhere and keep trying. 

Even if you start somewhere small, like speaking up when your food isn’t what you ordered at a restaurant or telling a friend that you can’t make an event because you have other priorities that you need to focus on.

Build on the small things and soon enough you’ll be standing strong in the big things.

Action Items For Reader

  1. Write down the last three experiences you wished you were more uncompromising. 

  2. Re-write the ending to that story in a way that feels good. (Hint: Stand up for yourself!)

  3. Practice taking those actions in real life.

The moment you decide to stop compromising on your needs, you immediately start to build confidence in your ability to serve yourself. You give yourself the opportunity to trust that you’ll make the right decisions in each moment. You also strengthen your ability to choose yourself.

What is one thing that you will stop compromising on? 

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

  1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

  2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts

  3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.


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Chantl

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I'm passionate about vision boards and hosting vision board parties. Thrive Lounge is the ultimate resource for hosting high impact vision board parties and creating vision boards that work.


5 Ways to Invite Joy Into Your Life With Self-Acceptance

 
self acceptance
 

Do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror and hate the person staring back at you? 

I do. 

A few years ago, I would climb atop my sink to watch tears fall from my eyes, and think... 

“If you don’t stop being so darn bubbly, you’ll never find a job.”

“You only know how to read books and regurgitate answers, you couldn’t create anything of your own.”

I wanted more than anything to believe that other people had something that I didn’t. That there was no way for me to be successful because I had these terrible traits that held me back. 

In fact, I soon learned that the only thing holding me back from anything was my mindset. 

I wanted there to be some reason I wasn’t successful so bad that I ultimately held myself back from any success I could’ve achieved. 

If this sounds anything like you (maybe not the crying part), then it might be time to infuse a bit of self-acceptance into your life. 

We can all be successful, and it’s the things that make us wildly different that set us apart and allow us to contribute to the world around us in our most significant ways. 

The moment I realized that little nugget was the first time I could genuinely be happy with where I was on my life’s journey… and get excited about whatever would come next. 

Because in each moment, I could love myself. Who I am today… and who I will become. 

That kind of internal peace comes from self-acceptance. 

What is self-acceptance? 

Put simply, it’s finding the good in you and appreciating the flaws.

Is low self-acceptance affecting my life? 

If you’re in a space where you don’t accept yourself, you might find it hard to be present in your life. 

Because you’re unhappy with yourself, you’re likely wishing for your life to be different. You regret things you’ve done or bad decisions you’ve made in the past. You might also have anxiety about the future because you fear things won’t change. 

Low self-acceptance affects every area of your life. It lowers your self-esteem, which limits your ability to advocate for yourself at work, notice what you do well, and participate in healthy relationships. 

What does self-acceptance look like? 

When you find the space to accept yourself, you can appreciate the world around you as it is instead of hoping for something different. That is the only way you can begin living in the present. 

The moment I accepted myself, I immediately felt lighter. I no longer saw my life as disappointing. Instead, I decided to appreciate my journey and looked for opportunities to use my gifts and talents to benefit me rather than harp on my flaws. 

How To Create (or Improve) Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance Affirmations

Sometimes you can’t shake the feeling that you’re not good enough. Maybe (if you’re like me) you’ve had far too many failures in the past. Those failures serve as evidence that you somehow are inherently destined to fail. 

That’s where an affirmation will work wonders for you. 

You can use an affirmation when you have to “trick” your brain into believing something is true. What you say affects what you think, which then changes your actions and what you become. 

Choose an affirmation to say out loud daily, when you’re afraid, when you’re beating yourself up or when you need a pick-me-up. 

When I would sit on my bathroom sink, killing my dreams with negative thoughts, I started to say, “I am the architect of my life. I choose it’s contents and built its walls.” 

That affirmation reminded me that I can choose my future. It gave me the strength to pull myself together and be optimistic about my next steps.

Notice the flaws that impact your life negatively - and actively fix them.

Don’t get me wrong here. 

Accepting your flaws doesn’t mean you have to live with them forever. When I was 19, I had my daughter, and my perky boobs dried up and looked two deflated balloons. 

C’mon! I envied every 19-year-old next to me (who all still had their adorable college boobs).

I hated my body, with stretch marks, wrinkled skin, and freshly popped balloons for breasts. So, I accepted what is - and then did something about it. 

Yes, I got a boob job. And I never regretted it for one moment. 

Completely ignore advice if it doesn’t align with your heart.

The best feeling in the world (and the biggest confidence booster) is choosing you in every moment - even if it’s a little silly.

Now, I don’t mean you should ignore great advice from people you trust because you’re too stubborn to change your mind. 

I do mean you should follow your gut when you feel that you’re making the right choice for you. 

When I got married, I had my bachelorette party after my wedding. My family and friends pleaded with me to change the name of the party to something more palatable. I refused. 

Because it’s my wedding… and I get to choose. #BAM

Had I changed it, I would’ve gone on a tangent, stressing out about naming conventions and making others happy. I knew what was important to me - spending time with friends.

Stop participating in social media

I spent a year completely off of Instagram. I hated the way I envied other people. They’d be experiencing a wonderful vacation, looking beautiful at happy hours and dinners, in healthy and seemingly happy relationships, and I’d wonder, “where’s mine?” 

Then one day, while snooping on an ex (as we all do), I saw he got engaged. He was the nastiest person (by far) that I ever met - and I couldn't believe that jerk found someone. Meanwhile, I’m on my couch with a glass of wine watching an entire season of yet another Netflix original. 

I immediately wondered how I can be SUCH A LOSER. Then I asked why I spent my time snooping and decided to remove myself from Instagram altogether. 

I compared myself to everyone - not just him. I am a fantastic person, but playing the comparison game on social media kept me from seeing that. 

Don’t be me. Opt-out of the comparison game - and notice how much more you appreciate yourself!

How To Practice Self-Acceptance Today

Here’s the deal. You don’t have to wait for everything to be perfect or for January first to start your self-acceptance journey.

  1. Pay attention to any negative thoughts you have.

  2. Write them down. 

  3. Create an affirmation to help you combat that negative feeling when it comes up again. 

Finding ways to accept yourself is not a one-and-done activity; it’s a lifelong practice. Take time each week to appreciate your flaws and move towards what you want out of your life. 

What’s one thing you’re going to do this week to boost your self-acceptance?

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

  1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

  2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts

  3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!

How To Rebuild Your Confidence After A Break Up

 
Breakup
 

I gave him everything. 

I spent a year of my life becoming the person that he wanted me to be. I held the house-cleaner, care-giver of 3 kids, clothes-washer and primary servant roles in our little household. 

I wanted to be loved so I gave up every ounce of my personality in the hope that love would come. 

I let go of my desire to have a successful career, to help women, and express myself freely in an effort to serve his needs. My essence was him - his needs, his restaurants, his friends.  I even gave up the convertible I loved for the mom truck he wanted me to drive. (Yes, pathetic, I know.)

When we didn’t work out, I lost my sense of purpose. I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t make my own decisions. I couldn’t trust myself with my future.

It was time to rebuild all the self-confidence that I had lost throughout that relationship.

What is Confidence? 

Confidence is believing in yourself and your ability to succeed. Having trust that you can figure things out and that you certainly can achieve your desires.

Why is self confidence important? 

Self confidence is what helps you make decisions, take risks, and deal with pressure in a healthy way. Having self confidence means you genuinely believe that you are smart enough, worthy enough of the highest levels of achievement and capable of making the right choices in your life.  

You need self-confidence to reach your full potential.


What happens when self confidence is low? 

Have you ever wanted to ask for a raise and talked yourself out of it? Feared speaking up when you knew you were right? Those are a few examples of what happens when you don’t have self confidence. 

Without self confidence, you’re unable to instill confidence in others because you speak with uncertainty. You don’t take risks because you truly believe you aren’t good enough. You might shy away from opportunities because you don’t believe your’re worthy. 

Without self confidence, you easily create a barrier between yourself and your highest potential. 

What does self confidence look like?

Can you answer an undeniable “yes!” to the following questions: 

  1. Do you feel like your opinions are valid and accepted? 

  2. Are you comfortable asking for things you want? 

  3. Are you comfortable asking for help? 

  4. Do you speak up when you have something to say?

  5. Do you say no when you don’t want to do something?


Can’t I Just Fake Self Confidence? 

You can fake self confidence on the outside by sitting up straight, wearing clothes that reflect confidence or using clear and concise language.

However, true self confidence starts within your mind. Your thoughts are what ultimately lead to the decisions you make to advocate for yourself, speak up in uncomfortable situations and feel great about the decisions you make. 

You cannot fake your thoughts. 


How To Regain Your Self Confidence

The good news is that self confidence is something you can re-build, no matter how little you have. (Trust me on this one.)

Here’s how I did it for myself and how you can, too. 

See the “good” in you 

The first thing you must do once you realize you’ve lost your self-confidence is understand the immense value you bring to this world.  There is only one YOU in this world, and no one else can fulfill your purpose the way that you can.

You were not created to serve your ex. You can start over. You were created for a larger purpose - even if you can’t see that right now. Let this break up be your clean slate to rebuild yourself exactly the way you want. 

Make a list of 10 ways you are strong, kind, compassionate, courageous. These could be large or small, recent or super old. You’ve made a contribution to the world somewhere in your life. Find that memory and use it to remind yourself just how amazing you can be. 

Understand your strengths 

There are things that you do better than anyone else you know. Maybe you’re an amazing cook, a brilliant writer or a great listener that people love talking to.

Identifying your strengths points you in the direction of the things you do well. These are the areas you need to focus on in your efforts to regain your confidence. 

When you gave up your confidence, you got too comfortable with losing. You lost every battle over where you were going for dinner and how you’d spend your time. You lost every argument, no matter how valid your point was. You lost every effort to be your true self.

 Now is your time to “stack the deck” in your favor by living in your strengths zone as much as possible. The more time you can spend catering to your strengths, the more you get to experience winning. 

Accept Your Flaws

Let’s be honest, we all really do have flaws. You’ve likely used them as the reason why you can’t be successful. 

“I’m an introvert so I don’t make connections easily.”
“I don’t have the right educational background.”
“I’m not ______ enough.” (Fill in the blank with skinny/beautiful/young/old/other)

We all have some flaw that we can point to in an effort to make excuses for our inability to reach our goals. The only flaw you really have is lack of self confidence that despite that freakin’ flaw you can still reach your dreams. 

Write down your flaw and give yourself one reason that flaw is a non-factor in your success. For example “I’m an introvert so the connections I make are deep, trusting and reciprocal.”


Negative thoughts will happen, deal with them in a healthy way

“No one will ever love me for… me. I’m too broken.” 

This was my favorite line.  It’s hard to prevent negative thoughts from coming in but we all have a choice on how we handle them. We can either dwell on them or replace them with something positive. For my situation, it could be “I’m lovable just the way that I am and I won’t settle for anything less.”

Make a short list of affirmations. Write them on the bathroom mirror, keep a list in your phone, write them in a journal. Where ever a good place is for you to read them to yourself when those negative thoughts start to creep in.

Related Content: 10 Quotes Guaranteed to Inspire a Kick-Ass Day

Work hard 

One of the best ways to have confidence is to deserve it. The way you deserve your confidence is to earn it. You can earn confidence by working harder than anyone else you know. 

Do you remember a time where you’d studied or practiced something a million times and you walked into “the big game.” It could be a talk that you worked on for weeks, a test you were studying for or that presentation you researched for weeks to give to the big wigs.

After weeks of practice and repetition you knew in the bottom of your heart, without a doubt that you’d be successful. 

You can have confidence in your life the exact same way - through hard work. 

Live in accordance with your values 

You have to define what your values are in order to live by them. 

If you’ve spent some time living someone else’s values, this one might be tough because you’ll have to rediscover yourself. 

  1. Who are you working for everyday to support. 

  2. What motivates you to wake up every day? (Besides coffee.)

  3. Why are you going to your job?

  4. What activities and hobbies can you simply not live without?

 These questions will highlight your values. 


Trust your gut

You will know when you have confidence in yourself when you start to listen to that tiny voice inside you. 

Over the course of your relationship, you got used to silencing that voice. When that voice told you to leave, you stayed. When that voice told you to speak up, you refused. 

That voice, followed by the nagging feeling in the bottom of your stomach was your gut and your strongest source of intuition. To regain your confidence you have to trust that voice, follow it and act on it. 

Because you were right all along. You will be right in the future. You simply need the confidence to believe that feeling. 

Take Action

There’s no better time than today to get started rebuilding your confidence. 

  1. Write down three values that you live by. 

  2. Write down five things you are the best at.

  3. Write down one personal weakness and one reason why that weakness won’t impact your life. 


Having confidence starts with your mind. As soon as you understand your values and your needs, you can start to make decisions that align with that vision of who you are. Every decision you make in alignment with your values builds your confidence even more. 

Comment below and tell us what you are going to do next to boost your confidence.

Want To Start Planning Your Vision Board Party? 

  1. Download the FREE vision board party planning checklist.

  2. Craft your inspiring vision board workshop talk with our FREE High Impact Storytelling Journal Prompts

  3. Plan, promote & host your first (or next) professional & profitable vision board workshop with our signature course, Sold Out Vision Board Parties.


This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.


About the author

Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!