Did you know that I work on this website every single Sunday?
It’s a part of my weekly routine to invest my time in creating this content that shares my story with the world.
My whole family knows that I work on Sundays…. and that the time I spend is non-negotiable.
A few weeks ago, my mother planned a dinner for my grandfather, who would be traveling back to Liberia (and we’d likely not see him again for a few years).
On a SUNDAY.
“Can you come to dinner?” she asked
This is my mother. The woman who raised me.
The woman who helped me through my roughest times and who has given me money to pursue my dreams on numerous occasions.
C’mon! How could I say no to this lady, right?
Well, I still spent my day working on my website as planned, and I did not attend the dinner. 😲
But my mother still felt great about how we spent our time.
Many people have a hard time saying no to their loved ones and I’m no different. I have just found a way to say no that works for me.
This week, I want to share my rules for negotiating with family, so that you can start doing things that feel good for you.
Why is it hard to say no to family?
That’s easy. We feel guilty saying no to people we love.
Often, these are the people who have supported us through every step of our lives, helped us with every setback, and cheered us on for every goal.
With the tips I share later, you can learn to say no in a way that doesn’t bring on the guilt.
Why do I feel so guilty when I say no?
You feel guilty because you want to be there for your family. You want to support them. You want them to be happy.
It’s important to know that sometimes the things that make them happy, don’t always align with your goals, your values, and your sources of joy. That guilt you feel is completely normal.
When is it OK to say no to family?
You can say no whenever you want. But here are a few guidelines to follow:
You’re not comfortable with the request.
You have priorities that you’ve scheduled for that specific time.
The request is in direct opposition to your values or beliefs.
It’s important to say no to your family to protect your energy and your time. Sometimes you have to say no to family to say yes to yourself.
How to Get Comfortable Saying No to Family
To get comfortable in saying no to your family members and their requests, it’s important to find clarity and set your own rules. You need to know ahead of time what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not.
Set some non-negotiables and do not break them for anyone
When you have rules, it’s easy to communicate why you’re saying no. If you keep the same rules over time, your family will see that you’re not rejecting them. Your rules become “what you do.”
When you respect your rules, your family will too.
My general rule is I work on my website on Sundays. That’s non-negotiable. I communicated that with my family the moment I made the decision.
What rules can you set that will help you to achieve your goals?
Respect your time as much as you do everyone else’s time
Every time you agree to do something for someone else, you’re taking time away from YOUR goals. Think about the way you’ll feel if you trade your progress for the request.
If I don’t work on my goals, I will feel “behind.” I will feel like I’m not moving forward. I will feel like I’m not contributing to my future. I will feel stressed about getting behind.
Ask more questions about the request
Understanding why people make these requests of you can help you to find a solution that enables you to honor their wishes and keep your commitments to yourself.
In the case of the Sunday dinner, I asked my mother why she needed me to be there. She told me my grandfather was old and likely would not be visiting again. She wanted him to have one last moment with all his grandchildren.
Offer an alternative that feels good to you
I wanted to spend time with my family and see my grandfather off, but I didn’t want to negotiate with my work time.
First, I asked my mother if she could move the dinner to Saturday, but she couldn’t. Sunday was the best day for most people and I was the only one with a conflict.
So, I offered to come a day earlier. I visited my mother’s house on Saturday night to spend time with her. I worked from her place Sunday morning, spending time with her and my grandfather in between my work on the blog.
Although I left when dinner started, I was present for the time that felt good for me. I stuck with my commitments and was able to share quality time with my family.
How to Take Action Today
Create your non-negotiable “rules.”
Let your family know about the rules.
Practice saying no the next time you’re asked for something and use your non-negotiables as the reasoning.
Let’s be honest, we love our family and want to be there to support them. When you support your family in a way that feels right for you, that will bring you more joy. It will make those experiences more powerful and create stronger memories. How great would that feel?
What are the non-negotiables you’re going to live by? Let us know in the comments!
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!
