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I gave him everything.
I spent a year of my life becoming the person that he wanted me to be. I held the house-cleaner, care-giver of 3 kids, clothes-washer and primary servant roles in our little household.
I wanted to be loved so I gave up every ounce of my personality in the hope that love would come.
I let go of my desire to have a successful career, to help women, and express myself freely in an effort to serve his needs. My essence was him - his needs, his restaurants, his friends. I even gave up the convertible I loved for the mom truck he wanted me to drive. (Yes, pathetic, I know.)
When we didn’t work out, I lost my sense of purpose. I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t make my own decisions. I couldn’t trust myself with my future.
It was time to rebuild all the self-confidence that I had lost throughout that relationship.
What is Confidence?
Confidence is believing in yourself and your ability to succeed. Having trust that you can figure things out and that you certainly can achieve your desires.
Why is self confidence important?
Self confidence is what helps you make decisions, take risks, and deal with pressure in a healthy way. Having self confidence means you genuinely believe that you are smart enough, worthy enough of the highest levels of achievement and capable of making the right choices in your life.
You need self-confidence to reach your full potential.
What happens when self confidence is low?
Have you ever wanted to ask for a raise and talked yourself out of it? Feared speaking up when you knew you were right? Those are a few examples of what happens when you don’t have self confidence.
Without self confidence, you’re unable to instill confidence in others because you speak with uncertainty. You don’t take risks because you truly believe you aren’t good enough. You might shy away from opportunities because you don’t believe your’re worthy.
Without self confidence, you easily create a barrier between yourself and your highest potential.
What does self confidence look like?
Can you answer an undeniable “yes!” to the following questions:
Do you feel like your opinions are valid and accepted?
Are you comfortable asking for things you want?
Are you comfortable asking for help?
Do you speak up when you have something to say?
Do you say no when you don’t want to do something?
Can’t I Just Fake Self Confidence?
You can fake self confidence on the outside by sitting up straight, wearing clothes that reflect confidence or using clear and concise language.
However, true self confidence starts within your mind. Your thoughts are what ultimately lead to the decisions you make to advocate for yourself, speak up in uncomfortable situations and feel great about the decisions you make.
You cannot fake your thoughts.
How To Regain Your Self Confidence
The good news is that self confidence is something you can re-build, no matter how little you have. (Trust me on this one.)
Here’s how I did it for myself and how you can, too.
See the “good” in you
The first thing you must do once you realize you’ve lost your self-confidence is understand the immense value you bring to this world. There is only one YOU in this world, and no one else can fulfill your purpose the way that you can.
You were not created to serve your ex. You can start over. You were created for a larger purpose - even if you can’t see that right now. Let this break up be your clean slate to rebuild yourself exactly the way you want.
Make a list of 10 ways you are strong, kind, compassionate, courageous. These could be large or small, recent or super old. You’ve made a contribution to the world somewhere in your life. Find that memory and use it to remind yourself just how amazing you can be.
Understand your strengths
There are things that you do better than anyone else you know. Maybe you’re an amazing cook, a brilliant writer or a great listener that people love talking to.
Identifying your strengths points you in the direction of the things you do well. These are the areas you need to focus on in your efforts to regain your confidence.
When you gave up your confidence, you got too comfortable with losing. You lost every battle over where you were going for dinner and how you’d spend your time. You lost every argument, no matter how valid your point was. You lost every effort to be your true self.
Now is your time to “stack the deck” in your favor by living in your strengths zone as much as possible. The more time you can spend catering to your strengths, the more you get to experience winning.
Accept Your Flaws
Let’s be honest, we all really do have flaws. You’ve likely used them as the reason why you can’t be successful.
“I’m an introvert so I don’t make connections easily.”
“I don’t have the right educational background.”
“I’m not ______ enough.” (Fill in the blank with skinny/beautiful/young/old/other)
We all have some flaw that we can point to in an effort to make excuses for our inability to reach our goals. The only flaw you really have is lack of self confidence that despite that freakin’ flaw you can still reach your dreams.
Write down your flaw and give yourself one reason that flaw is a non-factor in your success. For example “I’m an introvert so the connections I make are deep, trusting and reciprocal.”
Negative thoughts will happen, deal with them in a healthy way
“No one will ever love me for… me. I’m too broken.”
This was my favorite line. It’s hard to prevent negative thoughts from coming in but we all have a choice on how we handle them. We can either dwell on them or replace them with something positive. For my situation, it could be “I’m lovable just the way that I am and I won’t settle for anything less.”
Make a short list of affirmations. Write them on the bathroom mirror, keep a list in your phone, write them in a journal. Where ever a good place is for you to read them to yourself when those negative thoughts start to creep in.
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Work hard
One of the best ways to have confidence is to deserve it. The way you deserve your confidence is to earn it. You can earn confidence by working harder than anyone else you know.
Do you remember a time where you’d studied or practiced something a million times and you walked into “the big game.” It could be a talk that you worked on for weeks, a test you were studying for or that presentation you researched for weeks to give to the big wigs.
After weeks of practice and repetition you knew in the bottom of your heart, without a doubt that you’d be successful.
You can have confidence in your life the exact same way - through hard work.
Live in accordance with your values
You have to define what your values are in order to live by them.
If you’ve spent some time living someone else’s values, this one might be tough because you’ll have to rediscover yourself.
Who are you working for everyday to support.
What motivates you to wake up every day? (Besides coffee.)
Why are you going to your job?
What activities and hobbies can you simply not live without?
These questions will highlight your values.
Trust your gut
You will know when you have confidence in yourself when you start to listen to that tiny voice inside you.
Over the course of your relationship, you got used to silencing that voice. When that voice told you to leave, you stayed. When that voice told you to speak up, you refused.
That voice, followed by the nagging feeling in the bottom of your stomach was your gut and your strongest source of intuition. To regain your confidence you have to trust that voice, follow it and act on it.
Because you were right all along. You will be right in the future. You simply need the confidence to believe that feeling.
Take Action
There’s no better time than today to get started rebuilding your confidence.
Write down three values that you live by.
Write down five things you are the best at.
Write down one personal weakness and one reason why that weakness won’t impact your life.
Having confidence starts with your mind. As soon as you understand your values and your needs, you can start to make decisions that align with that vision of who you are. Every decision you make in alignment with your values builds your confidence even more.
Comment below and tell us what you are going to do next to boost your confidence.
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About the author
Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!
