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How To Rebuild Your Confidence After A Break Up

 
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I gave him everything. 

I spent a year of my life becoming the person that he wanted me to be. I held the house-cleaner, care-giver of 3 kids, clothes-washer and primary servant roles in our little household. 

I wanted to be loved so I gave up every ounce of my personality in the hope that love would come. 

I let go of my desire to have a successful career, to help women, and express myself freely in an effort to serve his needs. My essence was him - his needs, his restaurants, his friends.  I even gave up the convertible I loved for the mom truck he wanted me to drive. (Yes, pathetic, I know.)

When we didn’t work out, I lost my sense of purpose. I didn’t know what I wanted. I couldn’t make my own decisions. I couldn’t trust myself with my future.

It was time to rebuild all the self-confidence that I had lost throughout that relationship.

What is Confidence? 

Confidence is believing in yourself and your ability to succeed. Having trust that you can figure things out and that you certainly can achieve your desires.

Why is self confidence important? 

Self confidence is what helps you make decisions, take risks, and deal with pressure in a healthy way. Having self confidence means you genuinely believe that you are smart enough, worthy enough of the highest levels of achievement and capable of making the right choices in your life.  

You need self-confidence to reach your full potential.


What happens when self confidence is low? 

Have you ever wanted to ask for a raise and talked yourself out of it? Feared speaking up when you knew you were right? Those are a few examples of what happens when you don’t have self confidence. 

Without self confidence, you’re unable to instill confidence in others because you speak with uncertainty. You don’t take risks because you truly believe you aren’t good enough. You might shy away from opportunities because you don’t believe your’re worthy. 

Without self confidence, you easily create a barrier between yourself and your highest potential. 

What does self confidence look like?

Can you answer an undeniable “yes!” to the following questions: 

  1. Do you feel like your opinions are valid and accepted? 

  2. Are you comfortable asking for things you want? 

  3. Are you comfortable asking for help? 

  4. Do you speak up when you have something to say?

  5. Do you say no when you don’t want to do something?


Can’t I Just Fake Self Confidence? 

You can fake self confidence on the outside by sitting up straight, wearing clothes that reflect confidence or using clear and concise language.

However, true self confidence starts within your mind. Your thoughts are what ultimately lead to the decisions you make to advocate for yourself, speak up in uncomfortable situations and feel great about the decisions you make. 

You cannot fake your thoughts. 


How To Regain Your Self Confidence

The good news is that self confidence is something you can re-build, no matter how little you have. (Trust me on this one.)

Here’s how I did it for myself and how you can, too. 

See the “good” in you 

The first thing you must do once you realize you’ve lost your self-confidence is understand the immense value you bring to this world.  There is only one YOU in this world, and no one else can fulfill your purpose the way that you can.

You were not created to serve your ex. You can start over. You were created for a larger purpose - even if you can’t see that right now. Let this break up be your clean slate to rebuild yourself exactly the way you want. 

Make a list of 10 ways you are strong, kind, compassionate, courageous. These could be large or small, recent or super old. You’ve made a contribution to the world somewhere in your life. Find that memory and use it to remind yourself just how amazing you can be. 

Understand your strengths 

There are things that you do better than anyone else you know. Maybe you’re an amazing cook, a brilliant writer or a great listener that people love talking to.

Identifying your strengths points you in the direction of the things you do well. These are the areas you need to focus on in your efforts to regain your confidence. 

When you gave up your confidence, you got too comfortable with losing. You lost every battle over where you were going for dinner and how you’d spend your time. You lost every argument, no matter how valid your point was. You lost every effort to be your true self.

 Now is your time to “stack the deck” in your favor by living in your strengths zone as much as possible. The more time you can spend catering to your strengths, the more you get to experience winning. 

Accept Your Flaws

Let’s be honest, we all really do have flaws. You’ve likely used them as the reason why you can’t be successful. 

“I’m an introvert so I don’t make connections easily.”
“I don’t have the right educational background.”
“I’m not ______ enough.” (Fill in the blank with skinny/beautiful/young/old/other)

We all have some flaw that we can point to in an effort to make excuses for our inability to reach our goals. The only flaw you really have is lack of self confidence that despite that freakin’ flaw you can still reach your dreams. 

Write down your flaw and give yourself one reason that flaw is a non-factor in your success. For example “I’m an introvert so the connections I make are deep, trusting and reciprocal.”


Negative thoughts will happen, deal with them in a healthy way

“No one will ever love me for… me. I’m too broken.” 

This was my favorite line.  It’s hard to prevent negative thoughts from coming in but we all have a choice on how we handle them. We can either dwell on them or replace them with something positive. For my situation, it could be “I’m lovable just the way that I am and I won’t settle for anything less.”

Make a short list of affirmations. Write them on the bathroom mirror, keep a list in your phone, write them in a journal. Where ever a good place is for you to read them to yourself when those negative thoughts start to creep in.

Related Content: 10 Quotes Guaranteed to Inspire a Kick-Ass Day

Work hard 

One of the best ways to have confidence is to deserve it. The way you deserve your confidence is to earn it. You can earn confidence by working harder than anyone else you know. 

Do you remember a time where you’d studied or practiced something a million times and you walked into “the big game.” It could be a talk that you worked on for weeks, a test you were studying for or that presentation you researched for weeks to give to the big wigs.

After weeks of practice and repetition you knew in the bottom of your heart, without a doubt that you’d be successful. 

You can have confidence in your life the exact same way - through hard work. 

Live in accordance with your values 

You have to define what your values are in order to live by them. 

If you’ve spent some time living someone else’s values, this one might be tough because you’ll have to rediscover yourself. 

  1. Who are you working for everyday to support. 

  2. What motivates you to wake up every day? (Besides coffee.)

  3. Why are you going to your job?

  4. What activities and hobbies can you simply not live without?

 These questions will highlight your values. 


Trust your gut

You will know when you have confidence in yourself when you start to listen to that tiny voice inside you. 

Over the course of your relationship, you got used to silencing that voice. When that voice told you to leave, you stayed. When that voice told you to speak up, you refused. 

That voice, followed by the nagging feeling in the bottom of your stomach was your gut and your strongest source of intuition. To regain your confidence you have to trust that voice, follow it and act on it. 

Because you were right all along. You will be right in the future. You simply need the confidence to believe that feeling. 

Take Action

There’s no better time than today to get started rebuilding your confidence. 

  1. Write down three values that you live by. 

  2. Write down five things you are the best at.

  3. Write down one personal weakness and one reason why that weakness won’t impact your life. 


Having confidence starts with your mind. As soon as you understand your values and your needs, you can start to make decisions that align with that vision of who you are. Every decision you make in alignment with your values builds your confidence even more. 

Comment below and tell us what you are going to do next to boost your confidence.


Ready To Accomplish Your Greatest Goals? 

  1. Cut soul-sucking activities from your life to create a purposeful future you LOVE in 10 days with the FREE Prioritize Me, Guilt Free journal prompts.  

  2. Take a FREE personal development class on CreativeLive

  3. Get clarity on your goals and the strategies to reach them with the ebook Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams.

Ready To Create Your Five Year Vision?

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Download this FREE Five-Year Vision Workbook to design your future with happiness, purpose and intention.

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About Chantl

Chantl founded Thrive Lounge to give women the kick in the pants they need (lovingly, of course) to uncomplicate their goals, stop making excuses, get productive and start living the life they always wanted. Her book, Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams, gives women a step-by-step guide to create, plan and achieve their grandest goals.


What Changes When You Create a Vision Board

 
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Create A Vision Board That Works

Download the FREE Big Vision Reflection checklist to build a vision board that will help you create MIRACULOUS change in your life. Enter your email to subscribe to the newsletter and grab the freebie:

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If you’ve never created a vision board before, it’s probably hard to understand exactly why you’d want to go to the store, buy a million magazines, spend hours looking through them, cut out pictures of smiling models and fancy food, and then labor over a piece of poster board like a third grader trying to finish a science fair project.

Then again, you may have heard that some your friends swear by these little creations. Is it worth it?

Related Content: Why Vision Boards Work and Why You Should Create One

Related Content: How to Set the ONE Goal That Will Change Your Entire Life

I’ve been creating vision boards for several years now, and after my first creation turned my life around (like full on rags to riches), I refuse to begin a year without one.

One of my blog readers recently asked me: What really changes in your life when you create a vision board? It is in fact true true, you don’t get skinnier over night, you won’t be 100% confident by morning, and no one is going to deposit extra money into your bank account. You still have to work hard for all of those results.

So why not just skip the vision board and work hard, right?

There are three things that changed dramatically when I created my first vision board. I’ve noticed that I still feel the same way every time I create a new vision board at the beginning of each New Year.

I asked what I want out of life.

Before that moment, I was taking whatever life had to offer me without making any decisions of my own. I was reacting to life. I accepted whatever came my way. I had no plan. No goals.

When my relationship wasn't working out - I simply gave more of myself, hoping that someone would choose me.

When I was rejected from every school I applied to, I gave up.

When studying for the GRE was difficult, I told myself that I was bad at standardized exams. Grad school wasn't meant for "people like me" (yeah, I actually said that).

When my friend invited me to her Vision Board Party, I only agreed to go because I didn’t really have anything else to do. But creating my first vision board, required me to ask ,and really think about the question: “What do You Want?” For the first time ever, I ignored who wanted me and what they wanted me to be and who they wanted me to become. I paid attention to the things that I wanted without any input from any other human in this world.

Answering that question was hard (because I’m a grade-A people pleaser), but answering that question gave me freedom to re-discover my desires. It helped me set meaningful goals. It gave me something to work towards. It gave me focus.

I started to believe I could actually do something about it.

My first vision board convinced me that I could accomplish something. That's it.

I set the bar really low. At that time in my life, I felt like such a failure that it would have made me super proud just to finish something I started.

But the most important thing is, that I made a choice. I was no longer waiting around to be pushed into a corner, broken up with or rejected.

I would do my best to finish… something.


I started to choose.

It was the biggest mindset shift I ever made - and that decision to start choosing for myself, is what changed my life.

To tell the truth, a vision board is not some almighty creation that instantly changes your life. It’s an enabler. It enables you to think through your desires with no input from the world around you. It enables you to be honest with yourself. It enables you to choose a life you want, instead of accepting the life expected of you. It empowers you. Dream big my friend.

xoxo

Ready to Start Living Your Dream Life Now?

  1. Get clarity on your next big goal with the FREE Big Vision Reflection Checklist

  2. Take a FREE personal development class on CreativeLive.

  3. Design your dream life with the Vision Board Planner, our step by step guide to creating vision boards that work.

Create A Vision Board That Works

Download the FREE Big Vision Reflection checklist to build a vision board that will help you create MIRACULOUS change in your life. Enter your email to subscribe to the newsletter and grab the freebie:

Powered by ConvertKit

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.


Chantl.jpg

About Chantl

Chantl founded Thrive Lounge to give women the kick in the pants they need (lovingly, of course) to uncomplicate their goals, stop making excuses, get productive and start living the life they always wanted. Her workbook, The Vision Board Planner, gives women a step-by-step guide to create a super effective and life-changing vision board.


How to Win at Peer to Peer Mentoring

 
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Peer to peer mentoring can be a very rewarding experience that often leads to lifelong friendships and bonds. Great mentors have the ability to build relationships with people, ask uncomfortable questions and share their insecurities. They help people reach their goals in many different areas of life. Not-so-great mentors struggle to create an emotional bond with their mentee and their relationships can fizzle out pretty quick.

These tips will make sure you're a great mentor.

REACH OUT TO THEM PERIODICALLY

My goal was to use my experiences to help others move forward in their life, reach their goals and then reach for even bigger goals. It’s very easy to get bogged down with all the little things in life like work, school, errands, personal care, health, family, friends, vacation, religious obligations, and the list goes on.

It may seem like you don’t have time to be a mentor.

As an adult, one of my greatest learnings was to take time out for other people. Show them that you care about them by picking up the phone giving them a call. Ask them how their day was and take an interest in what's going on in their lives. Do the same for your mentee. Reaching out to them shows them that you are genuinely interested in their life and their success.

It opens the door of communication and invites them in.

Invite them out for lunch or coffee or happy hour. This gives the two of you time to connect personally and get to know each other a bit outside of a business or an educational setting. Simply picking up the phone to give your mentee a call or shooting them an email out of the blue will put a smile on their face and keep you connected as time goes on.

MAKE NOTE OF THEIR SPECIAL DAYS

Don't take the time that you have with your mentee for granted. Instead, when your mentee tells you that they're going to MIT for the summer internship (like my awesome mentee did #goalgetter) make a note of the date. When the time comes around, send them tips relevant to their new journey.

If they are starting a new job, make a note of the date so you can send them "new job" tips or share a story from your first day at work. Send them a congratulations or a ‘you got this’ text.

Make it your job to know when their birthday is and how old they'll be. If you're 30 and your mentee is 25, you can share stories with them from your mid-twenties. You can share the lessons you wish you knew at 25. You can help them better prepare for the new challenges ahead of them, whether it's business or personal.

KNOW WHAT THEIR GOALS ARE

As a mentor, you are utterly useless if you can't help your mentee move up in their life. If you make a conscious effort to understand your mentee's goals, you are in a much better position to help them actually achieve them. Encourage them. Keep them accountable. Check in on their progress. (side bonus: you’ll be more motivated to crush your own goals while you help other crush theirs).

Related Content: How to Set the Right Goals in All Areas of Your Life

Help them network in order to reach their goals. If they are in a different field as you, you can help them expand their network and learn new skills by introducing them to your network. If you are in the same field, you will be able to help them potentially land internships and jobs through your own connections.

USE THE GIFT OF FORESIGHT (OR AT LEAST TRY TO)

If your mentee is in school, make a note of when the mid-term and final exams are at their school. This way you will be able to send them inspirational confidence-boosting emails right before they start taking their tests. If your mentee is in an internship or job, help them prepare for evaluations, mid-year reviews or negotiations. Try to account for every stumbling block your mentee could encounter on their journey and make it your job to help them through it, using your experiences as a guide.

In order to be successful at using foresight, you need to really….listen. Sometimes we have so much experience to share, we forget to be good listeners. You won’t be able to know what they really need if you don’t listen to what their saying.

SHARE YOUR FAILURES WITH THEM

Though many people don't want to admit it, we have all failed at something at some time in our lives. On the bright side, those failures usually teach us life’s greatest lessons and allow us to grow incredibly for the better. We are given the gift of our struggles because once we get through them, we now have a roadmap that we can provide to other people in order to help them rise out of their biggest problems in life.

The greatest gift you can give your mentee is to share these stories. The most painful stories of your life have likely taught you more than all of the times you triumphed with minimal effort. These are the lessons that hold great value for your mentee. These are the stories that will propel them forward when they reach hard times.

GET A GOOD MENTOR

A great way to learn to BE a good mentor, is to HAVE a good mentor to learn from. Seek out someone you admire and ask if they’d be willing to mentor you. Ask someone who is 1 or 2 jobs above you to teach you their ways.

Being a mentor is one of the most rewarding ways to spend your time. Share your knowledge with others. It doesn't help anyone if you keep all that wonderful experience to yourself. :-) Your story is meant to be shared.


 Ready To Accomplish Your Greatest Goals?

  1. Start planning out your largest goals with the FREE Goal Planning Worksheet.

  2. Take a FREE personal development class on CreativeLive.

  3. Do you struggle with finishing the goals you start? Get clarity on your goals and the strategies to reach them with the ebook Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams.


This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.


Chantl.jpg

ABOUT CHANTL

Chantl founded Thrive Lounge to give women the kick in the pants that they need (lovingly, of course) to uncomplicate their goals, stop making excuses, get productive and start living the life they always wanted. Her book, Goal Doing: Practical Advice For Goal Setting, Action Planning and Achieving Your Dreams, gives women a step-by-step guide to create, plan and achieve their grandest goals.