One of the scariest days in my life was when I told my mother that I’d no longer be pursuing medical school.
I was filled with guilt.
I thought of how hard she worked as a single mom of four girls to raise us. How as the eldest child I was supposed to be set the example for my younger sisters. How I (at some point) was supposed to be the success that pulled my family up from lower-middle-class standards.
I was ashamed that I couldn’t become the person that she groomed me to be.
But there was a pain inside of me, a knowing that there was something different out there for me.
I could not be her doctor.
I needed to find something for me.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I called her to let her know that I would not become a doctor.
I imagined all of her responses about how I was a failure and I would need to suck it up and try again.
… and then she said “Ok, sweetie. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
That’s it. The call was over.
And I was left with one question “if it was that simple, why did I tie my entire life to this dream that was not mine?”
Because I wanted to please her and my family. I wanted to be the gold standard for what a daughter should be.
… and I wanted to do that for every area of my life.
I wanted to be everything to everyone - all the time.
Why Do Women Become Everything to Everyone
Because it’s freakin’ rewarding.
In school, when you work hard, you get the gold stars, when you follow every direction you’re told and check all the boxes, you get the A+’s. Those A+’s show that you’re better than everyone else.
When you get home (at least in an African household), when you’re studying or cleaning the house, you’re a good child. You don’t get yelled at (which is the best you can hope for in an African home).
In the afterschool activities, you get selected for all the best spots when you are the absolute best. When you’re the best singer, you get the solo. When you’re the best runway walk, you get selected to model in the fashion show. When you have the most dramatic stage presence, you get selected for the poetry showcase.
… and who doesn’t want opportunities?
So the obvious next thought is… I must always be the best.
Let’s look at the other side of that, what happens when you’re not the best.
Instead of being told, let’s focus on your strength areas, you’re scolded for not being better.
Instead of teachers meeting you where you are, you get a C in the class and told to work harder.
My daughter believed for nearly a year that she was “bad at science” because she failed her 5th-grade science class. When I spoke to the teacher, I learned my daughter failed because she doesn’t raise her hand to participate. She understood the information just fine.
You fail in this society when you don’t do what people ask you to do.
What does it mean to be everything to everyone
Sometimes we’ve spent so much time in our lives being everything to everyone that we don’t even know what it looks like. So I want to describe an example of this here.
Imagine this:
You wake up in the morning and before you can take care of yourself, you have several activities to take care of everyone else in your household. While your husband rests, you have to make sure the homework is in the bookbags, the lunch ready to go, the teeth have been brushed.
You finally get ready for work and in the office, you take on the projects no one else wants. You’re to go-to person for the most random questions. You overprepare for everything because you never ewant to be caught off guard. You say yes to everything that’s asked of you because you don’t want to let anyone down.
You return home and you’re responsible for making dinner every night. YOu clean the kitchen. You prepare kids for bed.
At the end of the night, you have nothing left to give yourself.
How to know if you’re tired of being everything to everyone
Maybe that previous story didn’t really resonate with you, so here are a few questions you can ask to find out if you’re exhausted with being everything to everyone.
You whisper under your breath about how tired you are.
You say yes to tasks that are asked of you when you’re exhausted. You break commitments to yourself to rest your body to make space for other people’s needs. Then, you complain to yourself that you’re exhausted.
You wonder when you’ll have time for you.
You somehow have the time to support every group and every family member but you’ve let your own goals roll over from year to year. You’re waiting for life to slow down some so you have enough time to pursue your goals.
You’re the go-to person for your family, friends, and social circles.
You are the person people call when they’re stuck on the road. You’re the person they call when they need money. You’re the person they call when someone needs to plan the family picnic. No matter what circle you’re apart of, somehow you end up being the person everyone asks for help.
How To Stop Being Everything To Everyone
Find a way to participate that fits your time and availability.
When you’re asked to do something that you don’t have the time for, ask if there’s a way that you can do this differently.
Maybe you’re asked to come to dinner on Saturday, but you wanted to rest on that day. Ask if you can meet on another day that best fits your schedule.
Maybe you’re asked to help raise money for the school programs and you don’t have the bandwidth to help out this year. Instead of saying yes and burning yourself out - ask if there’s a less time-intensive role you can play. Maybe this year, you just donate and don’t help at all.
Start saying no.
Insert dramatic music here.
One of the best ways to quit being everything to everyone is by simply saying no.
There are different variations of this:
I’m not available on that day.
I won’t be able to make it this time around.
No, thanks.
Saying no is hard at first because we like to believe that if we say no, we’re letting the person down.
Here’s the reality:
If you say no, they will find someone else to help or they’ll figure it out on their own. You are not needed in every situation.
Be honest about what you’d rather be doing with your time.
Here’s the reality: when you start saying no to others or participating in activities based on your desire, time, and ability, you create more time for yourself.
You’re not really saying no to them..
… you’re saying yes to yourself.
You create the time to work towards your big dreams. You create the time to rest your body so you have more energy. You create more time for the things you enjoy.
To be honest, taking your time back from the people you love and requiring a new level of self-care and self-preservation isn’t easy. Asking for your time to be spent on yourself can be uncomfortable - especially in the beginning. However, if you begin taking these simple steps, you will notice that you begin saying no to the things you don’t love, ultimately creating the time for your big dreams.
In the comments, tell us what would you do if you had more time for your big dreams?
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About the author
Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!