There was a time that I believed a man would save me from being poor.
Sounds odd to say out loud, right?
In my culture, it’s common to work hard, be smart… but also not-so-secretly be on the lookout for the prince charming who’s also a gym-obsessed doctor.
He would have both a strong jawline and the means for you to shop nonstop, drive around in a range rover, and (of course) live in a giant house with 4 bedrooms even though your family would consist of you and your husband and maybe two kids.
A husband-funded grandiose lifestyle was the dream...
… and at no point in my life did I ever question it.
As I got older and became a fan of pop/rap music, I would hear narratives of women having these coke-bottle body shapes and long hair…
… and as a result, these women should expect fancy bags and shoes from other money-making men rappers, basketball players.
The music today still reflects this by the way.
So after college, I met a high-income earner who fit all my criteria - we began dating and moved in together.
When it didn’t work out, I came to a realization the man-is-the-plan roadmap didn’t include:
I had nothing to my name.
I didn’t really have a job other than being pretty. I hadn’t gained many skills other than maybe learning how to cook and clean a home full of children.
For years, I resented my family and my culture for embedding this idea that a man would save me. That I just had to be smart and beautiful and that was it.
Why didn’t they teach me to be stronger?
Why didn’t they teach me to be more independent?
Why was a rich man ever the expectation for me - why was this “the dream”?
At that moment, I realized how risky (and disempowering) that dream was.
If I spent all my time looking good to secure a husband that would take care of me forever, how would I ever build my own wealth? How would I ever find the joy of mastering a skill? How would I ever build my own power? How would I teach my daughter to own her own power?
Well, I wouldn’t.
And all of those things are important to me.
Those dreams (building my own wealth, finding something I could be uniquely good at, being powerful in my own right) were valuable to me.
A rich man, a giant house, and the ability to shop all the time for more grandiose items that I truly didn’t’ need was never my goal.
It was a dream that made its way into my mind through social and cultural inputs, inception-style.
I wanted those things as a result of my surroundings, not my values.
I didn’t have words to describe this phenomenon until a few weeks ago, but I learned from LaTondra Murry that it’s called a curated want.
What is a curated want?
A curated want is a desire placed into your mind that is not your chosen path to pursue, but it’s a goal that society places upon you. This could look like:
You’re 18 and society tells you it’s time to go to college.
You come from an immigrant family and your parents tell you that you have to choose either doctor, lawyer, or engineer.
You’re 25 and your family starts to wonder why you’re not married yet.
You’re 30 and it’s the right age to buy a home.
You’re married and your family is wondering when the baby is coming.
These, my friend, are curated wants. They’re the things that we believe we want because someone else has decided that we should want this at this time in our lives.
How do I know my dreams and goals are not my own?
There is a tiny voice inside of you that knows the truth. This tiny voice nudges you to follow your creative impulses. This voice will tell you when something doesn’t feel right.
Often, we learn to ignore this voice to move towards a future that someone else has already laid out.
An example of this from my own life is where I spent several years studying to become a doctor just because I’m good at math though in my heart I’ve always known I want to be a singer. When I’m on a stage, my soul lights on fire and there’s nothing in this world like it.
But I feared that “only a small percentage of people make it in that industry” and ignored my inner voice.
You know when your path was not chosen by you. Admitting you haven’t been working towards your dream is the difficult part.
How To Follow Your Own Goals and Dreams
Write Down Your Values
When you know what your values are you can begin filtering out goals that are not yours. Before you say yes to any goal, you can ask whether the goal is in line with your values.
Tune out the noise while goal setting.
Take a day away from social media and outside opinions when goal setting. No matter if you set goals yearly, quarterly, or monthly, you should take the time to take a step back from your devices to hear your inner voice and give yourself undistracted intention.
Imagine yourself accomplishing your goals.
One way to know if the goal you’re currently pursuing is your own is to take a look at where that end goal will get you. Close your eyes and imagine yourself reaching the end of that goal. Where are you and are you happy with those outcomes?
Sometimes you don’t even have to imagine it, there might be a good representation that you can look at as an example. If you’re working for a promotion in a large organization this could be easy because you can simply take a look at people at the level that you’re working towards. Do you like their lives?
Maximize your time in communities that have the same values as you.
When I realized I value minimalism, I started to spend time with other minimalists. Because we all had the same values we could connect on issues of not bringing a ton of useless items into our lives and spending time with people we love - not working more to have more things.
Spending time in communities with the same values will allow you to have people that “get it” around you. Your quirks will be understood and accepted in those communities and you may learn more ways to go deeper into your interests.
It’s quite common to take on the wants and desires of the community around you. Take a break to ask yourself whether your goals are your own and give yourself permission to course-correct when you need to.
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About the author
Cyrene is a fun and accomplished workshop facilitator, learning and development guru and Human Resources professional. Being at the helm of Thrive Lounge has been a long-time dream. Through vision board workshops she plans to accomplish two-way learning. Sharing her vast years of knowledge to motivate and encourage others; while simultaneously getting the reward of great energy, ideas and questions to ponder back from each group. A super win-win. Please join our Thrive Lounge community so you too can benefit!
